Your mouth is God's brothel.
nothing screams I HAVE A PROBLEM! like the case of miller lite sitting on top of my DUI papers in the passenger seat of my car. lol
Next time, if you wake and bake, make sure you nail the wake part. Not easy to explain to mum. Or the fire brigade.
today was the first day of rush. talking to girls all day makes me sick of having a uterus.
High as balls & about to be tanning. Helloooo 15 minute vacay.
He just kept screaming "I have democratic immunity" as the cops dragged him into the car.
So I bought some random chick a shot she puked in her hands then I watched her make out with my roommate
I've decided I'm gonna attack people with the toilet plunger.
Just checked my voicemails on the work phone on speaker. Thank you so much for the one of you screaming "COME FUCK ME NOWWWW!" my boss loved it ..
Hypothetical question. Say I was bleeding profusely, close to your house, and needed a place to go to clean up and perform minor surgery on myself. Like now.
Its not even real halloween yet. This extremely toxic yet briliant costume is going to kill me
I'm starting to think I didn't bring enough liquor for this family Christmas.
It's 2 pm....
Apparently he walked into the room and started yelling at some huge hairy dude to get out of my room. Except it wasn't my room... Because he was on the fourth floor.
Tonight was a total waste of a shaved vagina
Everyone has seen your nipples. It's like asking if they ever walked on grass. You need better hangover questions.
Randomize
