I haven't gotten laid in forever. I'm obsessed. I imagine I this is how Ethopians feel about food.
girl is pretty boring. i'm gonna see if she'll let me finger her.
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
Just did a relay race involving shotgunning beers, cannonballs and riding a blowup whale. Never want to leave vacation.
Worst case scenario, I put a giant cork in your vagina so you don't give birth before my birthday
Looks better than the half a blow job I got the other night which I had to finish myself. From a chick I refer to simply as "mom jeans".
....she made me stop for like 3 minutes so she could talk to her cat....
you are like the bill nye of illicit activities
Cause I'll toss Tabasco sauce in his eyes and yell "Cobra attack" and walk away
apparently i came home last night raving about goats and singing songs from muppet treasure island
This dude is trying to sext and all I can think about is taco bell and their new crunch wrap sliders
I literally have anal toys soaking in the bathroom sink and dinner on the stove. If that doesn't scream "domestic goddess", I don't know what the fuck does.
I'm sorry that you wanted to get laid and I all I did was play with your new cat instead.
I'm sorry for chipping my tooth on your vagina last night :(
I think I am just gonna marry that lesbian. She is more of a respectful gentleman than any of the guys I've slept with.
Randomize
