she was talking at me constantly for like 20mins. i kept praying for a brain hernia but it kept not happening...
Your maid of honor is passed out in a golf cart on the 18th hole.
Ur gonna wake up early as dick tomorrow to do some responsible shit but im the one up at 3 am right now cooking brats soaked in keystone light so fuck your falling asleep ass bitch
i was gonna do a lot worse than just throw cat food on you while you were passed out, but then you sleep vomited and i felt a little bad
NOLA update. Went to Corey Smith at the house of blues last night. Drank PBR and took lots of shots of Jack. Too drunk, cabbed it to the hotel and fell asleep while having sex. Not my finest moment. Now I'm in court. I can't wait to be your attorney.
Well you fished my watch out of a possibly vomit filled toilet so I think we're bros now.
I don't think I've ever met a guy with a bush bad enough that I would choose a cactus over it.
you know that australian accents are like the bat signal to my vagina
I just interrupted this girl giving a dude head in a parked car on the south side. Going down on your guy while you're parked in front of your house because you don't want your parents catching you is fine by me, just don't block the fire hydrant.
Im gnna go loik fir my newq gay friuend now
Goodbee
i just love the holidays, i hotboxed a gingerbread house last night
Worst case: you're extra horny, have no control of your mouth or actions, and maybe murder someone. Child's play.
My mom just came upstairs handed me an Adderall and asked if I could help her wash the ceilings
Don't get mad at me now, you have my car and all the doughnuts
To the woman who just heard me unscrew my flask in the Denny's women's bathroom at 10am: discretion isn't required but greatly appreciated.
Did you at least share?
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