Im bringing wine tonight. Its from a merlot from nashville. i bet it'll taste like infidelity and teenage pregnancy.
you called to congratulate me on being the reason you lost never have i ever
Im making the walk of shame with half a box of pizza, its like when youre little and you get a goodie bag leaving the party
guess what. just found out I had mono. no wonder alcohol didn't taste good on nye
What makeup look will say to the therapist 'I am a smart, well-adjusted young woman'?
I already wrote the apology to my liver. He knows whats up
IDK but this explains my bloody dashboard.
Just did the walk of shame in front of his dad while I was wearing his gym shorts and my heels from graduation last night. Keep it classy '12
ok so I've decided, new penis Thursday (formally known as new people Thursday) will need to be put on hold next week in preparation for Friday
Memorial weekend is the following week genius. New penis Thursday countdown has already begun.
Getting a vibrator would be like waving the white flag of surrender in this war against my vagina and its hormone army.
I have a taco in my pocket for later because I am a practical drunk
If I don't get my shit together, I'm going to be one of those really fucked up cases on 1000 ways to die
We broke up. And I told him he better give me my fucking star wars movies tomorrow. Priorities.
I just told my bowl "sorry" for putting it down, because I thought I hurt its feelings. omg. I'm high.
Dude we were sitting at my place stoned as fuk then someone knocks on the door and it was my neighbor giving me a huge box of cookie dough. Magic of weed.
Randomize
