I still think their baby is ugly. I also still think it's yours.
Bad news: I had to be at work at 7:15. Good news: no one had used the bathroom yet so I got to defile a freshly cleaned stall
What's the name of that girl you hooked up with? The one that looks like the fire hose sign.
woke up with 15 BAGS of hot dog buns in my passenger seat... jameson strikes again
spending the week with her family was quite possibly the longest ive ever gone without having a boner
Okay I woke up in my room, snuggie on, had a water bottle in my hand my tv was on Disney channel and my cigarettes are gone. And I deleted every text in my phone but one that said 'you are absolutely welcome'
I think winning the long island race means you lose at life
Someone's shaving their pubes at work every Monday and it's starting to piss me off
I mean come on
Drunk packed a lunch. Made two turkey sandwiches and threw in a bag of raw bacon. Gold star for the day drunk self.
Don't let me publish my memoir unless "hurt my ankle drunk irish dancing" is at least the title of a chapter because that is really the whole story of my life.
And now I'm taking a break sitting on the bathroom floor thanking god that people who eat at subway are either too classy to piss on the floor, or are still relatively sober enough to not piss on the floor before 5pm.
I don't know what you're doing this morning, but obtaining Plan B is my number-one priority.
ever feel bored AND lazy?
I call it "awake" but yeah...
last night you made out with a 19 year old on a bar and i woke up with a swede in my bed. lets just say that never happened.
thank god my bra was in my purse... were all good
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