Just paid for that girls abortion on my dad's black card. I feel like P-Diddy.
Hold on. She's wrapped herself in toilet paper and is scaring the dog.
Too many margaritas?
He left me a five minute voicemail apologizing for chasing me with a meat beater. I'm actually not sure what that means.
You were outside the bathroom the gay guy was puking in, screaming "IT GETS BETTER!" over and over again. Good message, poor execution.
you tried turning the bar into a spelling b competition last night and every time someone couldn't spell something you would make them chug.
I am way too attached to fictional lesbians.
He doesn't care. He wouldn't care if my vag grew arms and smacked him in the face.
Also, since I switched back to this phone I've found a crop of dick pics and your funeral arrangements.
You were a hurricane of blowjobs and glitter makeup. You came out of the closet and took the house down with it
Yo making cake in the shape of a penis is no easy feat
His favorite stripper is going to jail. He's taking it pretty hard
He was imitating a sprinkler when he started puking. Hence- vomit sprinkler. Some people just can't handle their tequila
Jus pulled over and stole. Corn out of a. Field. ... get on my level
He bought me a bottle of Malibu. I think I could love this guy.
I've loved people for a lot less.
It actually wasn't the first time that a guy I just met ate me out in the back seat of his car in a starbucks parking lot in the middle of the day.
Randomize
