I've come to the conclusion that as a grad student I would much rather prefer to get laid then get drunk
I think you know full well that a few years ago my stance was the polar opposite
At what point did I decide it would be a good idea to fill my contact case with vodka
I'm gonna keep this simple. I threw up in your pillow case. Sorry.
you fucking puked into the top of the beer bong while i was chugging from it. when i realized i was chugging your vomit, i vomitted on the floor. she kicked us both out.
God Help those hot young girls. It's going to be like Bambi in iraq. Except worse.
Apparently as I was doing the walk of shame home my dad's date was on her way to hers. hoes come in all ages these days
We JUST got rid of the new years fatties at my gym and now the spring break fatties are here. goddamn.
Idk what else to talk about besides you paying for half of my vaginaplasty.
Should we start at nine like normal people or now like alcoholics?
THIS IS THE EMERGENCY BOOZE SYSTEM. I AM EN ROUTE TO DEWITT WITH A FIFTH OF TEQUILA. THIS IS NOT A TEST
Nothing is creepier than a guy telling you "I was just thinking about you" in a men's bathroom when taking a shit
I love this text stream: discussing the development of a business model centered around cooking acid to bankroll a yacht trip in Croatia
I made a joke about The Hemingway being a really boring sex position where you blandly describe all the action and then kill yourself after you orgasm. He stopped responding. I've GOT to stop talking to everyone like they're you.
You're always so late and I'm always so drunk.
If you find my integrity anywhere, please tell it to come back home
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