Apparently the guard had to repeat "you're too drunk to get in" three times before I understood. I guess he was right.
Thanks for the birthday present, i had so much fun playing with it
Are you talking about my vagina?
I just jerked it so loud the neighbor banged on their floor. maybe my wife got the point
We'll I told him I wanted to keep it PG last night, but then later I asked him to take his pants off. So i'm guessing it was my fault.
The waitress asked if you wanted white or brown, and you said "Isn't it all the same color when it's toasted?". She stared at you for about 20 seconds before she decided that you weren't fucking with her.
When we were done he got down next to the bed and I thought he was Tebowing. He was hitting a bong that he had already loaded and hidden under the bed.
And thanks to you I'm pretty sure I'm banned from every qdoba in south carolina. And cab company
The only way I'll cross anything off my to do list today is if I write 'eat melted cheese' on it
For the first time in my life, I still have money by the next payday. Who is this responsible person and what have they done with the real me?
the worst part about living alone is not having other peoples snacks to mooch off of when you havent gone grocery shopping in three weeks. i'm so pms-y i'm about to eat a soy sauce packet
Just fantasized about my boss's fingers in a meeting. I desperately need to get some.
Unfortunately i'm awake, hungover, and covered in something I'm pretty sure is Easy Cheese. Send help.
If I stopped mid-sex because the guy was hung like a light switch, it doesn't count, does it? Like the five second rule.
She has an alarming number of pictures with cat ears but the sex is amazing.
That was the first time i’ve been physically intimidated by a LinkedIn profile.
Randomize
