Miracle whip is the devil's jizz.
if she shaves her mustache, i'll let her give me head
It saddens me that girls will never know the wonder feeling of pulling your sweaty nutsack off of your leg.
She was hit by a car at 47 mph and lived. That explains everything.
All i learned in high school was how to sell drugs
before tonight, i was terrified of what tequila would make me do. but all it did was make me hook up with a movie star. sooo basically tequila's my new fave
I think i'm just gonna start shot-gunning everything that comes in can form.
Coming to you live from the floor of my office..
The last thing I remember was naked hot tub and taking a shot and using the hot tub water as a chaser. Not acceptable.
Your life is one shit show away from being a lifetime movie.
Welp, I just herniated a vocal cord during sex. How was your night?
There's a weed, money and oreo filled pinata promised for our party.
How dare sober me try to tell drunk me I can't eat the applesauce in the fridge! Stingy bitch IM EATING THE APPLESAUCE! you can tell sober me I said that.
I never thought I'd be judging my neighbors sex lives before age 30 but here we are
I am a unicorn in a field of flowers, you asshole.
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