I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
can you imagine how much money lesbians save on birth control?!?
bitches.
I need to stop fucking people before I get to know them
He came in my eye, I lost my earring and all of his friends saw me topless. Happy New Year to you as well.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
who knew i was capable of sobriety and human-like emotions all in the same night?
Hey remember that night when you sang Fergie to me? I think that's the exact moment in time when the thought "I could be faithful to this man" came into serious consideration.
Dave, I love you but you're barking up the wrong lesbian. You sir are the competition. You don't threesome with competition.
He is like a dragon that makes me want to spread my butt cheeks, so he can fill me with hot fire.
This will always be remembered as the Christmas I had 15 Russians sing christmas carols to me at 130am alone in a gas station while I was stoned on pot brownies
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Another development in my life...I think I pulled a muscle in my neck from vomiting this weekend.
I just started the bonfire using a tampon. Who knew they could have multiple uses?
I mean, I would have, but I couldn't come up with a logical reason to bring up oral sex during an orientation.
I'm gonna have to kick a girl scouts ass...
Spent tonight painting strippers in camo.
Stop calling me, Mom. I'm in his closet. You're gonna blow my cover and I'm about to catch this lying SOB.
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