i was puking in the toilet, he walked in and to talk to me and started puking in the sink.. Could this be my perfect man??
Well the bottom line is that I had to completely coat my testicles in Neosporin.
it was great that she threw up because that made me the only one trying to hook up with her
You have more facebook pictures than most towns have people.
Theres a picture of you hanging up on the wall in mcdonalds, i'm impressed
If a video of someone that looks like me banging that chick on the hood of her car in some parking lot suddenly shows up on the web... let me know, I gotta see how that turned out.
If it's any consolation, I've been sitting in the hallway in assless chaps for the past thirty minutes
im going to hold it over his head for all of eternity. when his children are born i am going to go to the hospital as his wife is giving birth and shove the picture in the childs face, so the first time they see their father is in a drunken stupor looking like a jackass.
You invited the cop in for a "Celebrity shot"
If I wasn't stoned and knee deep in cheese and crackers I'd help.
When I die I just want my headstone to my name, date of birth-death, and TEQUILA!!
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
3 cups of coffee and some molly. The "Tay's Day Off Diet"
Last thing I remember at your house last night is your dad leaning on the beer pong table and saying "you guys can fucking party"
His mom knocked on the door during morning sex because we were being too loud...now i have to meet her for the first time
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