Tell me I did not drive one hour for whiskey dick.
I gave my ex the dutch oven last night. How was your night?
The reason halloween exists is because it's not cheating if you're wearing a costume.
The freshman sure do fuck up the whataburger line at 2am
It's been so long since i rode in a trunk. I'm riding in a trunk btw
fun fact of the day: the man setting up my checking account at my bank has thrown up on my front lawn.
its so hard to text. the buttons are tickling my fingers
No like you fell onto the fence. I don't even know how you got into the fenced in area.
It's still to early in our relationship to tell her I was sleeping in my car
I run into you far too many times while completely stoned and/or drunk for this not to be fate. It's like god is telling you to fuck me.
It has been happening a lot lately.
All I know is that every time I looked at my glass it was full again and I thought it would be rude not to drink it
Hey guys guess what I found in my bed this morning? I wish it was a man..but it was a potato
the quiet that you are hearing is a silent suggestion that you should go fuck yourself
Boys winking, cowboys tipping their hats, old people looking disappointed.... ah, I had forgotten the unholy powers of exposed cleavage!
You are my hero.
welp,tonight ive reached new levels. by new levels I mean,i showed some guys my boobs for water. on your tab.. the most pointless thing ive ever done. either we should hang out way more,or never again.
Randomize
