im having a threesome with these popsicles
He threw up. He never throws up. It was like finding out superman cant fly anymore. I was so sad for him.
Her idea of kinky involved a tazer
wtf?
I'm going back tonight
You played "let it burn" by usher 28 times, knocked over the 36 gallon fish tank, and passed out in the kitchen. Yeah...That drunk.
Handicvap rails on the toilet atre soooooo fuckin handy right nmow.
I feel like we should at least be hungover if we're gonna be this grown up.
I'm bringing cupcakes to work today as an apology for my actions at the bar last night, my boss probably can't look at me the same ever again
I swear she lies about being allergic to gluten so she'll get all the jack and not have to drink shitty beer like the rest of us
And then you asked me why my legs were so thick and started measuring them with a ruler
On another note, I feel like my vagina is slowly being peeled off with a rusty potato peeler.
It was at the same house, but a different party, when lesbians set me on fire. So there's that.
can we just punch him in the dick and call it a victory for feminism
We were at dinner and dad asked me to pass the salt and I suddenly remembered doing body shots when I was blacked out last weekend.
He was so fat that he broke two of my ribs
Maybe it's time to stop screaming I'm a chubby chaser every time you enter a drinking establishment
Just got a snapchat from him that was a video of with the caption "my new apartment" in Brazil. I think we might not be seeing eachother anymore.
Randomize
