I can mark tailgating, going to the game and getting road head off my to do list today
I was in the bathroom throwing up...when I walked out he was sitting there watching porn and jacking off. He said, "Sounded like you were gonna be in there for a while."
that knocking you heard last night......that was her head slowly going through the wall
I think I get why guys like boobs so much. I just motorboated myself and it's fun. My boobs feel soft and squishy on my face.
I was sitting on the floor of CVS chugging white grape juice until someone asked me to leave.
Nothing like a 3am firealarm to kick a booty call out...
Your job is getting in the way of our day drinking. Shots on the hour are not as cool alone.
Either I'm tripping balls or my dog has super powers.
this dude just showed up to the party with a falcon
Also, horsecock action starts in about a month. Have you prepared yourself yet?
On one hand it was kinda weird his girlfriends stuff was at his apartment. On the other hand it was kinda nice because she had great shampoo
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
It's 90 percent alcohol, and 10 percent a whisper that says "get drunk"
I wore grinch underwear to my well woman exam this morning and I feel like I adulted successfully today.
so i was about to call you for your birthday but then i started making out with this guy... and i feel bad but i felt like you'd understand
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