I swear I am going to pee, wipe my vag with my hand, and then slap you in the face with it.
Guess who got arrested for public drunkiness, and called jimmy johns for the entire station last night instead of someone to bail me out? The cop that arrested me drove me home. Win.
Just bought a german beer stein with tuition cash. no regrets
yesterday, he said he didn't trust me around his daughter because "if she was wrapped in rolling paper u'd smoke her." yup.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I think im definitely allergic to shell fish. Or hungover. Probably both.
on the list of things i learned today that are not stripper poles: ex-boyfriends, table legs, and police officers.
I just bared my soul to you and you fell asleep. Or you're fucking your boyfriend. Either way, not cool. fuck.
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
I wish I could remember her name, I mean we fucked and all, but it woulda been nice to tag her in the instagram pics.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just threw in a dip with a guy that superglued his fake tooth back in today. My life is complete.
No amount of beer will make me feel better about this. It's time for Emergency Whisky
Besides, I don't need any more men there who have seen my tits. #bearwatch2014
I tried to suck your dick underwater and almost drowned
sometime during the night he found me in the empty hotttub singing marvins room in only my bra.
Just had a small freak out because I couldn't get my bra unhooked and thought I was gonna be stuck in it forever.
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