I'm at derby!
The kentucky derby! But its night time, theres no way the horses are awake at this time.
my mom walked in on my vaccuming.......i wasnt vaccumming
I asked about his 3 inch scar on his chest. It's from when he had to castrate a bull on the estancia. Apparently this is how good bull meat is made.
curled up in a ball on my bed listening to my "cuddle with a boy" playlist. prettty high.
this dude just took some girl under your house for half an hour. you may have helped a 17 year old fuck on the beach for the first time. congrats.
To be honest I don't know what's worse, the fact that I interupted their shower sex or the fact that I was so drunk I used the adjoining stall anyway
Fuck men. I'm going to go eat a package of cookie dough and get fat. I hope I die of salmonella.
I feel like I just lived out a children's book called "The Day I Went to Law School Stoned"
I told him he was a man of science and that he should conduct experiments on my tits to see how they stay up. I need you to hold onto my larynx when I'm drunk.
Say what you will, but only I can throw up on someone's door and make it look like art.
That's the last time I'm letting you drink that apple vodka
I am too high to deal with coming home to 11 naked people in my living room
I lost my bra at his grandma's house so there's that.
It's okay, big boobs are better than running.
Well, he pretended he was climbing me like he was a monkey and I was a tree during sex.
I think it’s appropriate to celebrate the start of mother’s day at the bar with the men that almost made me a mother
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