I'm trying to bond with my sister... Its like getting to know a person I never met that I don't like
My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
just bought a $25 eighth from a chick who has a kid. i'm helping my community out right?
normally i would apologize for my drunk texting but even sober me agrees.
say it with me now .. the "golden" penis. his nickname does not disappoint.
Turns out puking in your mask makes it even harder to see out of the mask..
It's called "lets see how many European capitals we can do the walk of shame through in one year"
I used that money i stole from the stripper last night to pay for my date tonight.
so my mom thinks I'm picking you up just to go buy you liquor before you go back to school tomorrow...
I'm ashamed that your mom thinks I haven't already taken care of that.
I think you are the only one slutty enough and evil enough for the job. Just go in and blue ball him. He broke my nose in Middle school. He deserves this.
Life is my bitch right now. The bouncers tried to carry me out of the club, but everyone thought I was crowd surfing so everyone carried me BACK IN. Winning as fuck.
Are you good with a knife? I need someone to perform amateur surgery.
You were a for sure 10. You put on a traffic cone to meet someone.
They don't have a Valentines Day card for the married guy I'm sleeping with. It can't use the words, love, soulmate, you're the only one for me...and obviously it can't be anything related to spending the day together because that's not happening.
found a note from drunk me saying "don't worry i fed the mice". WHAT MICE?
Randomize
