your head's too prwtty to be stuck in the books
she asked if i had a condom...i said yes...when we finished it wasnt on...told her it was at home on my dresser.
Swear. I think after passing out in a community college parking lot I can safely nominate myself for the piece of shit of the year award
How many bratwuest were you able to fit in your mouth at one time? It's me, Hans.
Bought two parrots for us. I'm keeping them at the Bellagio.
I'm in the city buying alcohol. I just got warned by a homeless man on the street that I shouldn't look so pretty "in these parts"
my bowl and the doses are under your mom's passenger seat
repeat: THERE IS LSD AND THC IN YOUR MOM'S CAR. HELP ME HELP US AVOID FELONIES
Drunk puking in my bathtub has plugged it up for the third time this year. I hate these calls to my landlord.
I can't come tonight. Someone took a shit in the dressing room. A.) Clean it up or B.) Kill myself. Text back with your answer.
Life Lesson #1 of 2013: double-fisting shower beers and shaving my bikini line should be reserved for two different showers.
You should not have followed "the guy who peed in my bed" with "he smells good."
My professor just asked for my number. Not fucking her till after finals though I learned my lesson last time.
I turn into such a nice and loving person when I take Vicodin
I just thought that if your brother was ever going to invite me over again, he probably shouldn't catch me fucking you in his bathroom.
His sex game is strong it’s like a warlord’s dick! you know what I mean?
Nope
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