I just figured it out. Meghan has the same smile as Sylvester Stallone.
Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
New discovery: conditioner is better for jerking off than baby oil. Fuck yes.
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
Trick or treaters just rang our doorbell
Give them the moldy beer cans, we need to get rid of those
my heart is telling me chinese, but my head is telling me beer.
if creating a fake 8 year old brother, who lives with me and has had mono for the past month, to explain why I have ignored my group project members is wrong, then I... well then I'm probably going to hell
in other news i'm homewrecking via instagram
I'll just be sleeping in this laundry room. Come get me at bar close.
Turn on the Discovery Channel
Lets fuck to motorcycle gang fighting
Our DD has become famous. Strippers are asking to be handcuffed to him.
Sarah was butt-chugging wine and diarrhea'd all over the wall
I am not walking across campus just to give you a blow job in the hopes that in return i can study more efficiently.
We couldnt find you anywhere and when you finally answered your phone all you said was "im safe"
I'm like a camel in the desert in a black hole I'm so thirsty.
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