Guess who has two thumbs, loves booze, and just dug half a handle of rumb out of a trash can in a freshmen dorm? This classy gentleman. Good day to you sir!
Everybody was literally kung fu fighting
I just had sex in a moon bounce. It is all down hill from here.
Def ran into my elementary school babysitter at the grocery store. Still hot. And she complimented my beer choice. It feels good to still have her approval
Highlight of my weekend: having my card suspended due to "suspicious charges" and standing in line at the gas station yelling at customer service on the phone that I really did go to 4 different strip clubs in one night
My hanfda are one with the u niverse and I am cirretnly inhaling a couch
All you need to do now is invest in a Speedo and start going door to door.
This is irresponsible on your part, leaving me alone in a bar.
I have this rep as a wingman for a reason. I'm like a poon caddy. "You might want to use a 9 iron on this hole. "
I got inside last night via doggy door
Topless Tuesday? One of us will be really happy the other not so much.
I'm sorry I keep drunk texting your boyfriend sports updates.
That's okay. He needs friends too.
Wait. How did I get engaged last night?
Pillow talk was a high five, this morning she made dinosaur muffins for the house. I love chapel hill
Look. All I'm saying is that if the USWNT can win a shit ton of medals and have two gay love stories with happy endings, there's still hope in this world
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