I woke up alone at my apt. On the floor with the door wide open, but still. Success.
This weekend is gunna be a fucking shitshow. I don't even wanna know how many dicks will end up inside of me
If you're wondering about the pepper everywhere its for the ants and it was my doings. They hate pepper. You're welcome.
Your roommate is pacing with a pen in his mouth flapping like a duck. That brownie got me fucked but not enough to understand this. Come back!
He does that
I just peed in a flower pot on the veranda while crying and holding a drink
You burned the hair off your arms. Again.
It grows back stronger each time.
Volunteering at a homeless shelter a bum asked if he could lick me cause I still reeked of whiskey. Being a bumsickle=epic hangover
Nope I went the fuck home like an adult
New guy at the liquor store was inexplicably fascinated by our huge jug of williams. First he said what are you gonna mix THAT with? and looked confused when I said air.
First night in my new apartment and I threw up in front of my neighbors door. Starting off this relationship strong.
Your boobs stole my birthday thunder!
Just walked in and got handed a drink. Good service
You know you were really drunk last night when you woke up and had someone else's jacket with their car keys and medical marijuana that you wore home from the bar and no sign of your actual jacket.
Sex and compliments. The way to my heart
do you think that identical twins have the same size junk? i just want to know your opinion before i find out.
Randomize
