I'm a big fan of 2 things right now: 1) Gatorade and 2) the fetal position
my mom told me that she didn't count me in the census because im a waste of life anyway.
theyll ask where you are and ill say on a date crying in a sombrero
like that time i did too much ghb at gay pride
You were dancing around the clubbing yelling "best wingman ever" and raising your cast in the air
Had "I should be in prison or dead" storytime at the bar. Found out James has done blow off a dead guy. Overwhelmed and speechless.
I think my hopes are too high for this one. The only other bachelorette party I've been to I was felt up by a Chippendale's dancer and smoked a joint with the party bus driver.
You asked me if you could throw up in my shoe.
I'm mortified. After he finished, he turned to me and said,"So, what did you think of my mom?" WTF Please tell me he was not wondering about that while he was going down on me!!!
First of all you can never say anal too much. Second I now think you're a total gentleman.
Rarely has that paragraph ever been put together
I may have played more drinking games with my family this last week than all of freshman year...
If you really loved me, you'd support my weed habit.
As the person who squeezed you out of my vagina, the answer is no.
Some lady found my secret pooping bathroom at work. Do I fight her Highlander style? I made or may not be fashioning a crude sword from seat covers and toilet paper rolls.
Do it. DO IT. There can be only one.
He was wearing running shoes tho. Thats like the cardinal rule. You don't fuck a guy who wears running shoes as regular shoes.
I was giving him a blowjob but we had to stop because he started crying when his cat walked in and started staring at us
Why did I wake up with a skeleton in my bed? Is it from the lab?
Oh crap, that's where it ended up. Yeah, don't ask.
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