I swear I am going to pee, wipe my vag with my hand, and then slap you in the face with it.
Now you know why i just sit on the toilet and scream
I have one brief flash of having his dick in my hand. that's all I remember.
I feel like I had eight dicks in my mouth
I'm on strict orders from her to keep sleeping with you until you give her a job next summer.
The great thing about skinny blondes is that they're all interchangeable.
I forgot that I thought it would be a good idea to hairspray my toilet seat last night after I took 12 shots of vodka so when I just went to pee, I stuck to the toilet. Never drinking again.
I never should have let my cousin and his pregnant girlfriend move in with me. I'm never having sex again. They scare off men more than 'my dream wedding' pin board.
I just wanna say I did some math and I lasted 1,052,000 more minutes than you at the bar before I got kicked out. That's 729 days. Bitch
Getting dressed and listening to the song Buffalo Bill danced to in Silence of the Lambs. I'm a perfect psych major.
I would do everything over again, except the fireball.
He made a deal with his real estate agent called fucking in 50 properties for sale
Annoying and petty is the name of the game and I'm the MVP.
I saw a drunk guy run across the street with an American flag between his buttcheeks.
a day off where I don’t get laid would be worthless
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