Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
the new term for farting is butt boxing.
Have you ever noticed that nowhere is the same thing as now here, i get my best ideas when i smoke
The pickup line "You look exactly like my sister" would only work in Arkansas...SCORE!!
...she's taking her top off and singing songs from Anastasia. I swear to God were solumates.
Do you think anyone has ever tried to have sex with a cows udder before?
I bought a bottle of 100 proof for the storm. I am going to drink until I pass out. I'm taking bets. 1:30 pm is the over/under.
They're all gay and their wifi network is named HOMOS. I want to live with these people.
She opened a beer bottle with her armpit and then gave me a cigarette from the waistband of her underwear. I dont know if I want to be her or marry her.
Just once I'd like to throw a party where I don't have to clean up someone else's blood the next morning.
We never did figure out who the stuff on the wall came from, did we?
Sharing a bathroom with a guy sucks. I always have to set an alarm for the middle of the night just so I can take a dump. Poop text btw
Bud... Did you mean to tweet a picture of your dick? If not just letting you know.
I just want my kids to know I fucked some really hot dudes before their father.
You're going to scar your kids
I’m getting reeeeaaalll tired of telling cute boys I gave them chlamydia.
That’s two in three months. You really know how to live.
so I just realized.. of my 70k student loan debt, most of it went toward bar tabs, eightballs, and sweet-ass ties to wear to gamedays and other people's weddings. I think about shit like this while I'm at my mid-level management position. you know. "working."
Look upon your future, America, and despair.
Randomize
