Last night I fell down in the street (I think in someone's vomit), cut my knee up, lost my moms necklace and my license, and had to walk back to the hotel.
yup put them legs up on your shoulders and eat her like some folgers
eat her like coffee?
Acid is not a monday night drug
my mom just texted me to let me know that Hooters is hiring
i wish my mom had big dreams like that for me
My dildo fell into the bathtub. It sounded like a chainsaw.
I'm standing in the shower drinking with the light off and a candle lit, listening to Amy Winehouse. Be proud.
Called my dealer in tears and we talked for an hour until I felt better. That's the way it should be.
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
hey, being drunk and dumb is my thing. Don't take that away from me.
Going to be a long day. text me later. Sorry I puked in your sink.
Nothing like drunkenly buying a pregnancy test at 8 am to get out and realize your nip was out the whole time.
Just brought out that old CCM hockey helmet. The one covered in sharpie penises with "DRUNK BUCKET" written across the front. The number of tally marks / initials from tonight's drunk stunts alone is equal parts inspiring and alarming.
Can't be like "hey can you elaborate on this three year old tweet" can I?
I'm to the point where I just want to get back at him in a hot man sex tornado way.
I mean, I let him sleep with me after we both ate taco bell sober... That's kinda like love, right?
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