Why did we buy the only spinning apartment on campus?
I would dunk an oreo in her breast milk
just googled chastity belt to see if it really exist..
I checked into jail on foursquare
I just deleted all the drug dealers from my phone, I guess this is growing up
Woke up to a bouquet of flowers in my toilet bowl. Drunk hubby loves me.
Listen, you can whine about not having a "red" wine glass, or you can suck it up and chug it from the vase like the rest of us. The choice is yours.
the intervention consisted of my aunt taking me to chuck-e-cheezs and telling me that this was my future - either as a mom or as a waitress - unless i stopped fucking around.
did she buy you pizza?
Shitshow foam night was such a success
When you sober up and come in here, I'm in your bed because you pissed on me in mine. So fuck. Off.
We can't stop being roommates, you do such a good job of holding my hair back when I puke. I don't wanna buy hair elastics.
You're like the fucking Mozart of sexting.
We were making out on the floor and his 13 year old beagle crawled in between us & just sat there...I got cockblocked by an ancient beagle named Bubba
Do you knowhow much it sucks to puke in an automatic toilet? Not fun.
Ew.
It takes talent let's just say that
Bro I rebuilt the dungeon in animal crossing visit me
Broooo
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