Jesus was obviously not given an itemized list of your sins before he died for them
i wish there were pregnant emoticons
do you know why i have a volvo grill taped to the back of my car?
we got back to my place and he started talking about feelings. i politely told him to leave and that he managed to cock block himself.
I just found out my birth date is Pick Your Poison Day. Goodbye, conscience, forever. I was born to live like this.
on a brighter note, the strip club found my atm card
It's cheaper then a lap dance and you get your hair cut.
just found a bag of Oreos in my purse labeled "emergency".
The nurse who basically saved my life just came into the store. Didn't recognize her. Awwwwkward.
Why are you always at the walk in clinic, Lady Chlamydia?
You're not allowed to make that my permanent nickname.
I literally used, "MY VAGINA IS TOO FANTASTIC FOR HIM TO STAY GAY" as a valid argument for attempting to fuck my gay friend.
You Just stopped dancing, looked at me and said "I'm gonna make it rain" Then shook the open box of crunch berries everywhere.
they knew we were both to shy to do anything so they got us drunk and locked us in the back yard with a tent. it was fuck or freeze
you have the best friends
If there is a heaven, that's what it will be. Bagel Bites and cunnilingus.
I knew how blacked out you were when you started doing that thing where you dance around and call yourself the Black Swan.
Randomize
