Why do I always give away anal sex as birthday presents?
Shut up... one mans birthday cake is another mans sodomy my friend
Yep. Just threw myself a bachelorette party with my coworkers penis before I re-enter the holy order of monogomous relationships.
well, duh, but it's like you don't even want to see me masturbate with a wine bottle.
I have been drinking since 2. And I'm now chasing the cat around the house with a light saber. Anna's helping.
Nice just gets you lonely or dead. I don't like those options.
Jacked up my neck and shoulder hanging on for dear life while I rode him like a boss. Plus my house smells like broccoli, bad! How's YOUR morning?
I have the most nasty and explicit wet dreams of my boss that I'm embarrassed to look him in the face. I'd be pregnant or promoted if he only knew
I AM CRUING IT IS 93:2 AM AND I AM CYGIN INT BED
So you are wearing a heart monitor while drinking?
Yea, they said carry on with my everyday activity.
Let's stay in this weekend and play drinking games to the Winter Olympics.
As long as we can drink anytime we see a stray dog, mafia looking Russian or double toilet.
I don't drink nearly as much when I'm coupled, and that's not a lifestyle I can commit to
Goddamn right, I may not survive the apocalypse, but my eyebrows fucking will.
it's your last night here, let's make it one we may or may not remember.
he came with me to get plan b but they didn't have any. when I started crying he said "come on it's not that bad.. ill go get sandwiches from the vending machine and we'll have our first meal together as a family"
I woke up using a beer can as a pillow. successful party?
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