When he brought me into his room he showed me his James Bond calendar and matching sheets, and then told me that his goal in life is to be James Bond….epic fail. Mission Impossible. I was scared to take off his boxers to find out that they were also James Bond themed.
RUN LIKE YOUR JAMES BOND
quit re-tweeting John McCain's tweets
Theyre still fighting about whether its called america or the united states.
girls just need to accept the fact that i'm going to make out with their boyfriends
there's no toilet paper. I'm using wheat bread.
And when I say "complete whore" I mean I could possibly make a shameful profit by wearing this.
Why is there an appointment in my calandar called "get the fuck to the bus" at 3 am june 19th?
Dude. It just hit me for a second time. My thumbs are huge and moving very quickly. Like stampeding buffalo...
turns out that the cat the james was trying to catch was a raccoon. call me when you get this, i need an ER buddy
Wanna shave the hair on my back? If you're offended I was joking, if not I'll bring booze and maybe you can do other regions too.
We should probably start extreme couponing for the morning after pill.
Pussy, Peanut Butter Cookies,and Bubble Wrap
I'm so drunk and angry about the Michigan game the fact of my relationship being over doesn't matter
I'm literally about to create a tinder account. Just so someone drives me to get food.
Fruitcakes are only good for throwing at neo Nazis.
Randomize
