i want you now
you need to stop dating girls with the same name as your mother...or stop drinking so much...I don't want to see this
the level of his annoyance + every insult he makes = the closer I am to telling him im fucking his ex
Your one and only job is to make sure I am on that bus tomorrow morning with no cat makeup on my face
I can't believe I cried over a sausage mcmuffin.
If you didn't damage your room so much from fucking so hard we would have got more of our security deposit back
I resent that
I have officially made out with every girl you've made out with, even the random you met on the Mexico flight
I vaguely remember you trying to make me a casserole with marshmallows and a can of beer.
We're in the emergency room. He concussed himself trying to pop all the bubbles on my "one bubble a day" wall calender with his face.
College: when you have to set an alarm to start drinking
I cried at the bouncer while saying I wished he was my father... They had no idea what to do with me.
You were discovered in a bush, smoking, and singing "in the jungle" to yourself. Which explains the scratches, but not the orange paint.
he thought it would be funny to put his dick inside a beer bottle and wear it around. until we all realized how small his dick would have to be to fit in a beer bottle
How does one un superglue their foot to the floor
Update: the condoms are expired and Canadians are NOT to be trusted!
Was cussing out our DD when one of the strippers takes him backstage. WTF
They call him magic hands is all I know.
Somethings are best left a mystery
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