i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
the more i look through evidence of last night, the less i seem to remember.
I was on hold waiting for customer service at verizon so we obviously we had enough time to have sex, i just put the phone on speaker
My tits are coming out a minimum of ten times
he definitely had sex before you were fully potty trained.
there is an extreme lack of margarita in my mouth.
What bar did i puke in last night
by bar you must mean bars and by in you must mean on
spending my first valentines day single in 3 years blazed and eating heart shaped brownies i bought myself. WHO NEEDS A MAN.
Woke up naked on a bed full of money, doughnuts, and keys that weren't mine. Unsent dick pick on phone, and cheap cigar butt on my pillow. Also...I maybe hotwired my car.
So im waiting for someone at grand central and i look up AND THE ENTIRE BALCONY IS FILLED WITH BOY SCOUTS I AM TERRIFIED
Is it wrong that I get drunk and let him eat me out then fall asleep? He offers me so much and yet I do nothing. I feel like a republican.
That's the 2nd med student that has had his tongue in my butthole, what gives.
Also at one point I told him to say my name and it took him like 5 seconds to remember.
I TAUGHT HER CAT TO SIT. CATS DON'T FUCKING SIT ON COMMAND. BUT THIS ONE DID!
It's basically my crowning achievement.
Woke up. Found about 20 condoms upstairs. A hole in the couch. Bread on the floor. Going back to sleep.
Randomize
