I created a new tequila drink. it is a mix of excitement and fear instilled in innocent people.
I really want to fuck my wifes sister.
Asian chick on skype stripping for me. Hold on give few min
my mom found all the used condoms in my bed side table
whatd she say to you?
no words- put them all in a circle, put the bible in the middle
First date. He's wearing a tuxedo shirt and keeps asking me about our future children. Escape plan #3 is now in action...
...just for future reference, one Four Loko can fits PERFECTLY in a venti iced coffee cup from Starbucks
So basically he tried to get out of the car and crawl on the highway with the broken leg because he didn't want to go to the hospital. It was not a good time...then we got pizza though.
blah blah blah they called me an alcoholic because I threw my beer at a Jesus freak. it was for the best
I figured out that he lasts longer when I rap during sex. He made it all the way through "Love the Way you Lie"
You woke me up at 2 am to tell me I could pee in a golf club if I wanted to.
I'm horny too so maybe we will both recap our regrets on Sunday
Before I go in, is 'I just got a root canal 2 hours ago' a good excuse to show up drunk to yoga class with a 6 pack? Because if not I think I need to go home.
I feel like I should be having more sex dreams of my boyfriend than his sister..
drunk snapchatting is the worst, because i woke up with great pictures of my tits saved to my memories and no idea who i sent them to
Remember those neighbors I thought were FBI agents? Turns out they're DEA.
Randomize
