I saw your purple underwear in the road this morning.
He fell and asked for a beer and a band-aid.
HE GOT FOURTEEN STICHES
I woke up and the only 2 bowls I own were shattered on my floor. Pretty sure my hand and tailbone are broken and I have no idea what the fuck happened
I would lick a homeless mans crack teeth for a cup of coffee right now.
He had bigger boobs than me last night and we both weren't wearing a bra so it was a fair judgement
Well on a lighter note, I had sex in a food truck.
She's barefoot and topless screaming "HERE KITTY-KITTY" at a stray cat in the ditch on the side of the highway. How do I get her back in the car?
I'm gonna call it the Reunion Tour. Hooked up with two different ex girlfriends in one day...
Just blowing bubbles with my nipple rings in my shower.
You always make things weird.
Using the money underagers give me to buy this semesters books.. My mom would be so proud
I just wrote the Drag Queen from Saturday Night on FB and apologized for licking her. Weirdest thing I have ever typed...
unless you want this visit to have a different tone... more romantic, less molly in a hotel room
Crying in Target on a display sofa is normal, right? Asking for a friend.
Just letting you know that your little sister is now your eskimo brother. You can send a thank you edible arrangement to Tammy.
I asked him if we were exclusive and he followed up with, "If a tree falls in the woods and no ones around, does it still make a sound?" Wtf am I supposed to do with that?!
Randomize
