We need to find a way to make penises more like hookahs.
The only thing I've had to eat today was the half eaten sausage biscuit I found on my chest when I woke up this morning.
Yeah I'm buying him lunch right now because I shot him with the fire extinguisher last night
You better be watching. There will be a POP quiz. Each correct answer gains you 5 more minutes of the sexual act of your choice
she passed out facedown in my lap while I was playing piano. 11 years of piano lessons finally paid for themselves.
how many past hook-ups can i invite to go bar hopping with me for my b-day before it becomes a bad idea?
Sounds good! I plan on writing a book entitled: I've Probably Done Cocaine In Your Bathroom. A tell-all by Lauren.
Listen to my proposal.... I feed you crackers while I fuck you ever so gently.
Apparently he's into classy girls that wear sweaters and don't throw up on him when they go out.
Really? A fat girl?
I'm walking her back. Chill out.
She is a nice girl okay. For some reason we are in my room though.
"He was so not worth staining my backseat for."
I fell down the stairs while taking the dog out last night. I was laying there with the dog licking me face and my neighbor just stepped over me
I like to oil my gears with cheap vodka and strangers
I woke up in the bathtub with money shoved down my pants. I must've done something right.
Hey, before I head out, whats your policy on casual drug use and one night stands?
Randomize
