I'm not a real person
I'm sorry, everyone knows that
u were so high that u chewed on candle wax for an hour
When you gave me the first bj i thought 'yep, this girl is going to do great things with her life'
I swear it's like I have a jerk off quota I have to meet each week. If I miss three days I have a wet dream and it's like a wasted jizz, and it gets everywhereeeeeee.
Last night I dipped into my beer fund to pay for groceries. SINCE WHEN ARE MY PRIORITIES SO WHACK???
I love my roommate; her alcohol problem, her proclivity for passing out on the living room couch, and her fucking awesome size d tits that can never remain clothed. Craigslist jackpot.
you started keeping track of only every even numbered drink you had
Srsly this has gone to far. Just broke my nose on the toilet. College bars.
I have to keep checking she's breathing. This is why we don't drink on Sundays
josh has a chalupa in his pocket if you're hungry.
Sexting Captain while emailing my eharmony match about my low key weekend is hard.
I just dropped a condom on the floor at costco in front of my girlfriend and her husband. Today is not going to go well.
I'm not asking for life coaching, I'm just asking if you know where I left my underpants.
I need you to sex the hangover out of me again.
My boss's toddler just went through my bag and found your vibrator...you owe me a drink.
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