I think I gave almost everyone at that party the clap last night
What are you doing?
High. Watching Billy Mays infomercials...
That guy could sell me cancer.
I just queefed in yoga class and now the old man next to me is smiling at me.
I just farted for five sidewalk sections! New personal best.
you were watching a documentary about sharks and wouldn't stop stroking my legs and whispering "what if they could walk?"
She is high at the bar - she thinks the bottle of frangelico is aunt jemima telling her to stop doing drugs.
I recorded his orgasm, set it as his ringtone, and called him while they were singing happy birthday to his mom. Yeah, revenge is sweet.
It's like a teen mom casting at the Obgyn's office. I feel great about my positive life decisions.
Is it inappropriate to be Drs. Willy Fister and Jess Hewill as a couples costume for Halloween?
Oh we're gynecologists
Did you or did you not grab my boob while I was making out with the foreign kid?
How the fuck did we end up at a strip club last night.. We started the night playing bingo at a church
MY HAND WILL BE UP HIS ASS IF HE DOES NOT APOLOGIZE FOR WHAT HE DID. IT WON'T BE THE GOOD-FEELING KIND OF "HAND-UP-ASS" EITHER.
Why were you doing tequila shots out of Boston Pizza dip containers?
Tequila should only be paired with the finest of dick
I just watched two birds fight or fuck. It was crazy. Another bird was watching closer and I know that bird understood what was happening better than me.
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