I'm destined to be knocked up by a sailor
You went to church with your boobs hanging out?
Theyr'e a gift from god, I figured I should show him i'm using them well.
its not like she's the last girl on the planet with symmetrical breasts and great skin
Just reduced mom to tears when she realized I wasn't kidding about hating kids. She's crying about never being a gma. Now would be the time to tell her about the girl you knocked up. You're welcome.
Apparently she was filling Miller Lite bottles with water because I refused to be seen drinking water in a bar
I gave her at least chlamydia. Maybe worse. She is also into chicks and loves taking naked pics. It's like the less I believe in Jesus, the more he rewards me.
if creating a fake 8 year old brother, who lives with me and has had mono for the past month, to explain why I have ignored my group project members is wrong, then I... well then I'm probably going to hell
You know you've got awesome issues when the main deciding factor of whether or not to cut your nails depends on nacho consumption in the near future
We don't have paper towels so I microwaved a spinach/egg sandwich thingy wrapped in toilet paper. Toilet paper. so that's how my day started.
Idk what the interview would be like but I imagine you in a suit and tie surveying a nervous freshman and eventually leading him into a labyrinth of debauchery and clapping him on the back, saying "welcome to the fraternity, son"
I'm getting married
To pizza
We were getting breakfast he shit himself in the middle of ihop. Mid bite he just yells out o fuck.
He literally said from now on he's always banging chicks with asthma becuas it's such an ego booster
Damn him and his beautiful face and body and penis.
I just drunkenly emailed my feminist dissertation as a resignation letter for my call center job. What am I doing with my life!?
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