Tried killing a moth in our bathroom. Water everywhere. Don't worry about it.
He's getting better. i'm using GuitarHero to teach him how to finger me. My clit = the red tab.
You can call me Bill Clinton. I brought 2 good looking Asians home last night.
i just got painted green i'm not about to leave for anything
Hey, it was your idea to keep her occupied with the barscanner on your phone.
you didnt need to give her a fucking sharpie. there are handmade barcodes everywhere. including my cock. fucker.
Passed out mid cig in bed last night. Thank you cough for allowing me legal prescription hydrocodone.
i'm about to be the still-drunkest person on the ellipticals
Totally forgot we howled at the full moon last night... It's safe to say Tuesday Boozeday is my new favorite day of the week
So I had sex with a hook nosed, lisping masadonian last night.
Glad that degree in literature is paying off. Nice adjectives. Maybe set the bar a little higher though?
Did we seriously just get into a fist fight over kit kats?
We got stoned and took selfies with the most perfect lawn
He just chose domino's over sex. ARE YOU KIDDING ME?
Wtf can everyone stop fucking in my grandma's bed? This is like the third time
I woke up to a gigantic ft-long tootsie roll and a note by drunk me with the words "you're welcome"
its like probably shouldnt be sending pics of your asshole to strangers who work in the same building as you
Randomize
