you think thats bad? Today I had to pop a zit on my sack.
So I have $4.22 in my bank account, just wrote a check for a tooth brush from quikmart, and bought a 25 cent condom from the bathroom. i don't know whats more sad, my bank account or the fact that i'm entrusting my entire future to a condom machine that was probably last filled in 1970
Just saw a commercial bout this girl that lost 54 lbs on a taco bell diet. so thats my excuse.
She posts like 3 statuses a day pleading for pity. Responding positively would be like giving a dog a treat for shitting on the floor.
What a good family we'd make, him and I and our kids and his good dick.
I just made bacon chili cheese fries for dinner...someday my kids are going to realize I'm a stoner & this will all make sense
Me focusing on not shitting my pants is keeping me awake.
My parents called me out on catching us walking home from the bar in a swimming motion because "it was too windy to walk" home...
it was like fucking a Mumford & Sons song
The nun costume is coming back hard and it still has glitter and the smell of Vegas on it.
Best. Text. Ever.
I need a light and a towel. ive got cum in places ive never had cum before.
You know you're gay when you have to have your coworkers explain to you why your bracket is terrible
Woke up this morning with girl, I ask her for some gum. She says "there's a guest toothbrush for the boys in my bathroom". I can't decide whats worse, that she has a shack brush or that I actually used it
The guy I hooked up with two weeks ago just friended me on Venmo, I honestly won't be mad if he pays me for the sex
I think it's your fault my nipples aren't sensitive anymore.
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