There's a dildo in the cheerios box here...
I think my hot accountant is wearing banana republic. I miss the days when that ='ed gay. Signals are so confusing now.
the best part about watching a meteor shower at 4 am is being able to masturbate in public and drink hot chocolate at the same time.
I checked into jail on foursquare
Walking in to my alcoholic Assessment meeting with a black eye = 40% awkward 60% awesome
He threw up, and left his credit card next to the puddle. He kept on saying he wanted to pay for the damages.
Why didn't I see you last night!?
We made out like 4 times....I think I saw you.
I just made cupcakes.... Vodka icing. Results in the morning.
I think a girl on my floor is watching zombie porn. There is literally no other description for the noise coming from her room.
Naked and Afraid: Hangover edition
orgy was averted by karaoke, thank god
Well that's disappointing. I guess I'll give a lesson on dick-breaking another time then
Our relationship is perfect
90% threatening to punch him in the dick 10% actual dickpunching
you smell like vanilla and daddy issues
please don't ironically join a cult
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