insurance, jail, and birth control were made for people like us.
If there's ever a time when I've matured to the point that I don't want to look at camera-phone-titties, go ahead and bury me in a shallow grave by the railroad tracks.
OH GOD PAJAMAS ARE SUCH A HARD CONCEPT RIGHT NOW
gpnpr hd vmdd nm the ggrl whm was mn my lar
I need you to use more vowels.
Penises. Penises everywhereeeeeeeee. Penis ratio is sooo disproportionate. I can't NOT get laid tonight.
I think she faked a seizure to get out of it ...
The grocery store is a combo of ghetto ppl complaining that the low fat chips are all that's left and hipsters trying to eat organic during the hurricane
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
As he walked by me and gave me his dreamy smile full of dimples all i could think was 'I gave you chlamydia'.
The homeless woman that called me a "dirty looking cunt" the other day, was standing outside Starbucks today with a sign that said "Jesus loves you."
I've started drunk signing up for 5ks. Who even does that?
It turned from Netflix and chill to cringeworthy YouTube videos and chill. At least he's honest.
I'm not the kind of girl that sleeps with someone else's boyfriend. But I'm getting waxed just in case I change my mind...
I'm just letting you know right now in advance that if I die or go to the hospital or end up in jail tonight it's because your kid sold me mushrooms.
He showed up at my house drunk with a pizza and said he wanted to lazily finger me while I watched supernatural. Who was I to say no?
Randomize
