two words: eviction party
she just walked in and said "well, I got peed on again"...
Im in a bar and I just invented a scrabble drinking game. People are cheering. It's like the universe has aligned itself.
When I start carrying a bottle in my hand, jumping from boat to boat with a grenade horn. YOU should know this isn't going to turn out well.
Everyone already knows you're a drunk, they understand.
I just fucked my ex's ex's ex. Love quadrilateral complete
I just found a tail you can wear naked. Via a butt plug. Who ever said the internet was a good thing?
As i was walking home this morning some old lady was walking her dog and i said hello to her as our paths in life met, then i proceeded to puke in someones front yard and never looked back
Quick!! What's a good reason for me to have rug burn on my chin?
I may hire someone just to sell my family the drugs they keep asking me for. It's cutting into my doing drugs time.
Calm the fuck down fatty, you can add creme de menthe to a vanilla shake any time of the year
I'm straight up riding in the back of my truck in a bean bag chair right now. Feet propped up and four loko in hand. Glorious.
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
Napping in front of family members can be embarrassing when you get a christmas boner in your sleep
I'm too over dressed and drunk for this emergency vets office
Then his buddy called and said "my car broke down, I need a ride. If I'm not home by midnight they'll extend my house arrest." And I knew it was time to leave.
Randomize
