so... thinking about masturbating finally
taking the losers way out I see
I never thought I'd say this, but there is a life threatening amount of rumpleminz in our freezer
I know it's pride week, but your asshole is just never supposed to taste like banana.
what customs doesn't know wont hurt them
Thanks man, but unless some hot chick comes in to work with a case of beer and offers me a head job, I'm pretty much screwed for New Years
Definitely need to find a less healthy bootycalls. All this bitch got in her fridge is feta, English muffins and wheat grass. What the fuck can I make with that???
Found 2 Coors, problem solved.
I don't like getting sloppy drunk but I don't like getting just half drunk either, I'm way too responsible if my blood alcohol level is below 0.2
Either way, we will celebrate half Christmas the only way we can. Completely and irresponsibly wasted.
Teeth make me feel like a dinosaur. Can you feel yours?
I made a joke about The Hemingway being a really boring sex position where you blandly describe all the action and then kill yourself after you orgasm. He stopped responding. I've GOT to stop talking to everyone like they're you.
He wanted to watch a Charlie Brown thanksgiving. But I was like, fuck that, I'm a grown up. So we watched jumanji and I sucked his dick.
He just peed in the cab. I repeat..IN.
I know I drink too much cuz "ssssjllapph peneinssesss" automatically comes up in my phone now.
just spent the last 20 minutes cleaning out the soap dispenser. fuck. me. adderall.
how do you say “i know we haven’t hung out in a month, but i gave myself an amazing orgasm to your picture the other day” without coming on too strong
Randomize
