I think my vagina is haunted
i found a beer bottle on top of the urinal, peed in it and put it back... if anyone gets drunk enough to fall for it they deserve it
Does slim fast make a chocolate heart for valentines? If so that's what she's getting.
I'm still tasting pancake mix. I think this may actually be a serious medical problem...
Fuck that. I will get OUT of CONTROL And rise from a hangover on Sunday like Jesus himself.
some girl at the bar told me my beard would tickle every inch of her body till she joy puked her face off.... that was so random and odd i just had to buy her a drink for having the guts to say it to me. WTF
Just watched a girl fall down the stair and be to drunk to get up. The only stair in the bar. It's like watching a turtle on it's back.
He was saying things like "cum for me like a good girl" and "put my entire python I like to call a dick in your mouth" .. Okay I might have changed that one a bit
On the train at 650am after a night of clubbing and running away from a new zealander who was buying us beers but also licking windows
He even wore it to bed. What the hell. He's too excited about that goddamn costume.
Reasonably certain my seventh grade teacher is encouraging me to drop acid on twitter
I just want somebody to fondle my boobs while I read fanfiction. Is that too much to ask?
I still have to bake cookies and shave my legs so Mike can have MILF & cookies when he gets home.
You came in yelling "I'm el scorcho" and then axe can flamethrowered my dresser. Awesomeness aside, you owe me a new dresser.
Also you think METH is on the same level of wanting to see the movie cats? We’re gonna unpack that later
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