AIM automatically accepts video chats on my laptop. I found this out when I got a text from Jacob after my first attempt at drunk lesbian sex saying, "I'd give it a 7. You need to work on your positioning." I think I'm single now.
She told me she couldnt give me head last night because she was running out of listerine
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
who do I fuck, the girl waiting for me upstairs or her roomate making me mac and cheese right now?? This is the single hardest decision I've always wanted to have to make
She jerked me off while she drove us back from Denver going 70mph. It was both the scariest and most erotic moment of my life.
Just walked in on the Yellow Ranger getting porked by a guy in a UD Blue Hen costume. Will somebody PLEASE think of the children.
I feel like that needs to be the last time i end a text with "fuck them i love tequila".
Eating a grilled cheese at a strip club... good idea??
I feel like my map app knows I'm hungover and is strategically not driving me by fast food places so I cannot stop
No one's ever called me intergalactic cocksucker, before.
What does it say about me that I feel completely charmed right now?
If only I could bank my drunk hookups for a sober IOU.
Thanks to a bad fart decision during a production meeting, I am now on my way to Target to buy new pants. How is your day?
It was 3 am when she drunkenly tried to deep-fry a banana.
How'd she do that?
He updated Facebook... "Got a new phone today." WHAT ABOUT THE FUCKING KID YOU HAD?!
I just watched your fat stupid son get hit by a Prius. Ran right in front of it. He's all right . But... Maybe you should have taught him to look both ways like a responsible parent does.
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