I just had unprotected sex with a stranger. but i did him wearing nothing but my pearls. so its classy.
some kid came into the principals office and tried to explain what he was sent there for through interpretive dance.
We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
make sure i look cute passed out on the couch.
is it possible for your nipples to fall off? if so mine might. they hurt so bad...
making my second box of kraft dinner for the day. thinking about telling him how much you cheat on him so that you end up having to spend valentines day with me. i'm sorry its every man for himself.
Just found out my 21st birthday is on a Wednesday. The possibilities are cheap, as well as endless.
American Eric just peed on us from the second floor. Hes now very confused as to why his "toilet is yelling." Send help.
if i dont text back till morning its cause i turned my phone off and changed my password to something i wont remember to stop myself from drunk texting...RESPONSIBILITY
Clearly you've confused me for someone who has their shit together, and honestly I have no idea how you did that.
It's okay. I think we're back on. I just went on a dog walk with him n blew him on a sidewalk
this periodpocalypse needs to be over. I need head
If I stopped mid-sex because the guy was hung like a light switch, it doesn't count, does it? Like the five second rule.
Anytime you wish.we are doing double shots in the kitchen,and I drank a beer in the shower,so...the sooner you get here,the sooner you can get on our level.
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
Randomize
