Kiss
Puke
Just found out I have to work new year's eve. It's like one final 'fuck you' from 2009.
That sound you heard was the sound of millions of brackets exploding simultaneously
He kept saying 'your mouth is Amazing' even after I was on his dick.
her bf's celebrating 10 yrs of service at kfc...it's safe to say all the good men are taken
I want to spend time with you, and by time, I mean real time. Not your dick in my mouth time.
You don't understand she was in the fountain pretending she was diving for treasure. I couldn't possibly ruin her dreams.
Jen gave my number to some guy she met in NY. He sent me a picture of his weiner. He had nice shoes. I replied with a pic of bacon.
When in doubt always reply with bacon.
Thanks for letting me in last night. I was drunkenly sleepwalking.
He broke the bed, AND shit in the closet. What a way to lose his virginity. What a night.
I try not to have friends with attractive fathers, it only brings my morals down.
You have 4 bottles of kahlua in ur drawers but no sox
He propositioned me for a threesome once so yeah I'd say he has what it takes to run for public office
I am literally so hung over that I just opened up my emergency kit, got out a survival meal replacement bar and ate it.
What's the blow job-backrub exchange rate these days? I've got some killer stress knots
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