Just wana tell you im wearing assless jorts tonight. Ive been waiting my whole life for this.
I never thought that taking apart multiple age 5 and under puzzles would be part of my house party clean up process.
Yeah, sorry about that. I just couldn't stop.
it was the drunk execution of a sober decision, and its much more tasteful than the first mullet
You know why nobody comes up with Sober October? Other than it's Oktoberfest? Because Sober October doesn't benefit anyone, just like your judgment isn't benefiting me. I'll talk to you in November. Unless you make up another alcoholless month.
She texted me shhh....im drunk, secret booty call...how could i say no?
Sneezing blood is a good thing right? Medically speaking.
Her stripper name is Geico. I'm not drunk or creative enough to make this up.
I may or may not have just hot boxed a backhoe on the construction site of a police station that's being rebuilt..
I am literally sitting here with a jar of Nutella and a spoon, reading an article called "never drink alone again because now there's wine for cats." How single am I?
P.s. I wore your shirt today and it has your blood all over it, but I am at a funeral home and they are using embalming fluid to get your blood stains out right now.
Jesus tap dancing Christ rock out with your cock out is supposed to be just an expression. And even if it weren't no one wants pics bro.
Santa tracker drinking game, you in or what?
Can you please come in my room and pour water in my mouth? Too hungover to move. btw who is this guy in my bed? Can't see his face. Cute?
There were a lot of gay moments in between the Strippers and coke
he's fucking insane. he's worse than me. is that even possible? I'm only with him because his dick is huge. I need Jesus.
Randomize
