I'm sorry I'm just not ready to become vampire yet
Why don't I have your new number? And who have I been texting?
No matter how drunk I am, I will take the time to wipe a pube off the toilet seat.
They're having chugging contests. With juice. Please get me out of Utah.
me and this guy in my office just exchanged an "i saw you at a drag show last night" look as he passed by my desk.
it was like brushing your tongue but with a fucking long toothbrush.
amateur piercings on our way to the beach? check.
And then he proceeded to take my heartbeat, because apparently that tells him whether I was faking or not...
I'm going to pre plan my black out tonight. I think I'll set a change of clothes out on my bed and unplug the oven.
My vag has a bald spot. That is so middle aged. Is this my midlife crisis?
She has puke on the back of her shirt not quite sure how the hell she did that
I should be rewarded with oreos for not turning into a raging cunt.
I said no to friends with benefits because it was too much commitment
I'm on the Coaster ride of shame, currently sitting across two nice old ladies smelling like condoms.
A guy in a chewbacca suit just came up to me and asked me to buy him weed.
Randomize
