i've been called drunk 4 times today and it's only 3pm
I am waking up at 7am to go to church with him and his family... I better get eaten out tonight.
Just tried to use the bottle of Sprite in my car as mouthwash to get the taste of puke out of my mouth- it's half vodka. Puked again. Thanks man.
8$ liquor pitchers. I'm gonna wear two or three pairs of underwear so when drunk me takes them off there'll still be a pair on.
Was I shouting at a fire engine last Friday?
I hate about 85% of people that I meet. I'm an awful person. In reality my only redeeming qualities are my face, my amazing scissoring skills and the fact that children love me.
True on all accounts.
I swear to god if he wasnt on the fourth floor balcony and I wasn't to drunk to climb I would kill him
You know how I got mad at him for making out with his formal date? Apparently I fucked mine. I'm guessing any exclusivity is out of the question.
Running into your random closeted hookup from last night is really awkward when you have to sit next to him and his girlfriend in a 200 person class.
Her desktop wallpaper is a collage of penises she fucked.
Apparently I filled my purse with chicken nuggets and told my mom I was a "sexual squirrel."
Does your drug dealer have a printer I can use??
the cuervo was good, but I started with jello shots. and when i threw up a whole jello shot came out.
You cannot steal the fun of my nakedness. You do not own my nakedness. My nakedness is my sole property and I share that fun with whom I choose.
They should invent shampoo and conditioner for sex hair. I would buy all the travel size ones.
Randomize
