my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
just spent the last 4 hours searching ex-girlfriend porn to make sure there are no photos of me
I'm at the grocery store, it's 10 am and the woman in front of me just bought 3 boxes of wine. She turned around and told me not to be afraid
it's sunday funday. and also, who can outslut the other day.
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and then he put stevie wonder on to fuck to...and hummed along as I blew him
You told him you loved him!?
I mean if he translated "Zi luve ku" as that then yes.
She made out with the kickboxers bf. She was just asking to get kicked in the head. In the middle of the bar.
Don't judge them too harshly for getting kicked out of a strip club. Happens to the best of us.
You are the coolest girlfriend ever.
I drank, I fought, I made my ancestors proud.
And then someone hit me with a pool cue
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
My manager said you offered to make out with him to ensure I keep my job if I didn't show up to work today
That isn't the worst part. It got a bazillion times more awkward when he read me a poem he wrote about his dead cat.
i spent most of last night convincing myself that dan akroyd wasn't actually standing in my bathroom holding a dead chicken
You chose shitty college football over this pussy and my cute little mouth. That's your fault.
I'm both gender and math confused
Looks like the opera singer hook up is paying off. Ran into the MILF from 407 and she said “your lady friend sounded like a very lucky girl.”
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