Wow.. I was doing a mental check of my bank balance & I literally just said to myself: 'I have 27 dollars and a bottle of tequila til tuesday-ill be fine'
His internet searches, listed chronologically: sex slave, volunteer sex slave, lava
I just remember thinking that if i ran really fast through the house, no one would notice i was naked.
So i forgot that my head is completely wrapped in gauze, and tried to do the "come hither" look. He think's i'm brain damaged
yeah, she started doing yoga and cocaine....looks good on her.
Did i actually sleep there? Or did i just get sand everywhere?
After my mom met Tanner, she literally turned and said "he's from old money, top of his class at Emory, already has doctors courting him for jobs and judging from your vocal performance the other night, he's gifted in bed. Fake a pregnancy right now"
I come from her. Holy hell.
His dick's name has evolved from Sebastian to Big Daddy to Barbara Streisand to Barbara Walters. I think the transformation is finally complete.
When you're done railing that chick, there is still half a pizza and some ninja turtle mac and cheese down here if you want
I'm out of breath and my thighs burn but at least it's over.
Great litmus test for what a useless adult you are: amount of shame you feel while eating a coffee cup of Fruity Pebbles
is it bad that I'm more worried about having to take out my piercings than the fact that I might be having a kid
i dunno but you just looked at him said "youre making me really wet" and straight pissed your pants
He saw my Halloween/ Costume closet and assumed I’m into cosplay. I’m going with it. What’s sexier, a cop or a nurse?
LOOK AT HOW SMOOTH THIS BITCH IS
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