just bought a $25 eighth from a chick who has a kid. i'm helping my community out right?
We all know tonight is going to end like every other night with you. drunk, pantless and confused. Dont try to switch things up.
I told him the truth. Truth leads to vodka. Vodka leads to tequila. Tequila leads to prison.
You actually went to class. Im eating dry cereal naked and watching bring it on.
Awkward family moment #1: walked in on my 15 yr old nephew packing a bowl. Nephew says- "lets not ruin christmas and keep this our little secret"
I just found that video of you jumping onto my exercise ball feet-first and face-planting into my shoe rack.
Things I have learned since the start of my first college spring break: do not fart in an enclosed space (such as a shower stall) when hungover. You will throw up. More lessons to follow as week continues.
We jumped on a random trolley because total strangers offered us free vodka. We're not even on the route map as far as I can tell. I see now how those people died in "Hostel"... we deserve whatever happens to us tonight.
I tripped over a vacuum cleaner and fell into a beer pyramid
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
So if her brother fucks my brother, can I just tell her that anal sex is in her genes?
Oh yeah and one of the strippers brought you chips and water when you were passes out next to the toilet. So that was nice
I woke up today in my boxers hugging a log and realized that I think I've gotten close enough to nature. I really need to stop doing shrooms with you
had a dream that i inhaled my pet bird and started choking. Then I tried smoking from a bong and suddenly I smoked myself inside out. this is what happens when I don't smoke weed. my brain can't function!
He wants to pour butter pecan flavored coffee creamer on me and lick it off. I'm like, dude, gross. French Vanilla ok? Ugh.
Randomize
