my tampon string is in my asshole... do you think i can get it out without anyone noticing?
i'd get off the bar first.
I never want a future conversation of ours to include the words "quart of semen" in it
The last mom I slept with was the worst lay ever. Imagine fucking a hairy wet pillow for 60 minutes. Good luck with your milf. I was joking about the Susan Boyle comment btw.
You started drinking at 2:30, did you really think you would be able to remember?
Should I be concerned you put your last name in my phone as "danger"?
"Like what guy would respond to 'let's fuck. I've got bagels'??"
SCOTCH AND CIGARS AT THE TITTY BAR. YOU ARE COMING WITH US.
AND ONCE AGAIN, MY VAGINA HAS STRUCK AGAIN. HER PLANS TO TAKE OVER MARYLAND ARE WELL ON THEIR WAY AS SHE CONTINUES TO ENGULF EVERY QUEER IN A 10 MILE RADIUS
I'm on the fast track to lesbian land
Really this has to stop, if they get any younger we will be breaking the law
MY HISTORY TEACHER IS FUCKING MY MOTHER. I am downstairs and i can hear the squeak of the bedsprings please I swear to god pick me up THIS INSTANT.
yeah the highlight of my day was the 911 operator telling me they had frantically been trying to figure out where i was
I'm pretty sure even the managers want me to show up hungover my last day, it would be negligent and disrespectful to do otherwise
Naptime over. I've got fresh contacts and tequila. RAAAAAAGE!
I'm not drunk or hungover and I don't have to work. My body is sooo confused!
Randomize
