you know your drunk when 7 soccer players cant catch up to a tranny in high heels who just stole your wallet
Those former-lesbian gone white-trash bars always seem to be your favorite.
hot ketchup is not a substitute for marinara
still doesn't change the fact you were dunking your sock in the toilet.
it's like his penis is God's way of saying "sorry about his face"
Left my card at the bar and had a drunk girl climb on the hood of my running car to scream at me.
Naked Twister starts at high noon
I was busy. But now I'm about to consume alcohol and chicken. We shall see where this takes us. Maybe to the moon, maybe to the floor. I have no idea.
I don't know what was up he just kept sitting in his chair smoking weed and watching home movies all night it was weird as fuck.
I HAVE NEVER BEEN FRIENDZONED IN MY LIFE AND THIS GIRL IS GOING TO MAKE ME QUESTION EVERYTHING. LIKE A GODDAMN CUNT. A WONDERFUL, BEAUTIFUL, MAJESTIC, LESBIAN CUNT.
Try explaining "the nature of your relationship" to a cop when your fuck buddy vandalized your car. Priceless.
Don't let me publish my memoir unless "hurt my ankle drunk irish dancing" is at least the title of a chapter because that is really the whole story of my life.
I have no clue how you survived last night but I applaud you. 21 body shots off 9 bodies in under four hours has to be a record.
I mean go ahead and let your freak flag fly but if you could not fly it in my bed that would be great
Partying with my eighth grade history teacher I know you're jealous
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