I can hear the grilled cheese talking to me. "Let me in there!" they wanna get inside me
I asked what she wanted from Hawaii. She said a baby like Aaden from JK 8.
where am I supposed to find one of those?
Talk about awkward... Just went to dinner with my mother and realized I fucked our waiter the night before. She HAD to see the looks he was giving me!
We pay for beer, you give birth. It's how the world works.
dude i woke up to her making a statue of my morning wood for her sculpture class. HOW THE FUCK do you think i feel about her?
I just met his wife...she told me they have been having marriage problems and are spending his paychecks on marriage counseling...then she cried on my shoulder...NOW i feel like a bitch.
i don't know what happened by from the looks of her lipstick I'd say she was skull fucked by a rhino
according to last night, I underestimated the size of my mouth and the possibilities of what can fit into it.
Andy was trying to screw his door shut from the inside so no one could get in.
You were discovered in a bush, smoking, and singing "in the jungle" to yourself. Which explains the scratches, but not the orange paint.
I said he looked like a lumberjack and that's when he came. I guess he liked the beard compliment?
Had to take him to the ER for not only alcohol poisoning but for stepping on a firecracker. Happy 4th holy fuck
There's no button for "gave my boyfriend's cock to a friend" on my intimacy calendar.
I was trying to sext but got a notification that my dad and professor both commented on my Facebook photo. Bad timing.
You sent me a very drunk love letter
Was it the one about pterodactyls?
I was disappointed I thought you actually loved me
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