So explain to me again how you wake up next to a Brazilian model and I wake up next to a turkey sub? And a jar of grey poupon.
Did you dl zombie porn on my computer?
when did we get so old that our friends started having LEGITIMATE children?
Thinking about bringing a vibrator to the tanning bed...kill two birds with one stone right?
Everything is fine now . The coast guard said we just can't take the inflatable trampling out past the break way anymore
last nights episode of shot friends brought to you by polish vodka and flamingo baseball. pickles cure hangovers.
She stopped mid hookup to ask me if we'd be done before Taco Bell closed.
I just saw a commercial for God of War and heard the nickname he gave my vagina.
I just took my birth control with Redi-Whip. I'm that girl.
He told me he loved me. I didn't know what to say so i just squirted the baby oil at him
Def over. He sent me a nude selfie but cropped it right above his junk. Total Silence of the Fucking lambs looking.
That dude with the beard walked up to me, turned my water into wine with everclear and kool-aid, and walked away. Pretty sure drunk Jesus is back.
Did we pole dance in front of my boss last night or was it just me?
Walked into the bathroom and saw a Minion eating out Harley Quinn so this Halloween will be hard to top.
She was blacked out at her own party. It felt good to stand next to her while she laid on the floor and say "vomit does not look good on you."
Randomize
