I think I'd do Clint Eastwood.
...kinda gettin a major gay vibe from you right now.
That was a text you sent me last night.
it was like, one of those nights where you keep going back to the fridge because you just can't get full. except, with sex.
I told her my hands were paint brushes and her vagina was my canvas
I picked up the bartender so he could open the bar early and ended up with him giving me a ride home when he closed. I like snowdays and everything, but they get really expensive. Also, I think I threw up on his front door. Not checking.
Next Halloween I want us to dress up as jockeys, get drunk, and ride a carousel all night until we throw up or declare a winner
I still feel like a bad person. A shoulder to cry on became a dick to suck.
we got kicked out of the bar last night for sneaking into the back kitchen and eating handfulls of cheese in the walk in fridge
You told her you double majored in Geology and Telekinesis. When has that line ever worked for you?
What have I told you about trying to use Jesus as your wingman?!
WINE AND FILM. TALK ABOUT AN UPGRADE FROM NETFLIX AND CHILL.
My aunt asked how many piercings I had and my mom said seven and I said nine and that's how my family found out I had my nipples pierced.
sex on acid sucks though, i want to connect with the universe not your dick.
Are you going to regret this?
No I do t think so
Ok then he can enter the holy dorm temple.
hey sorry i didnt call i just got out of jail, so you still dtf ?
I just puked on the sidewalk. At 11am. Thought you'd like to know.
Just found out I lit my hair on fire last night.
Randomize
